Why the holidays still hurt—and how to handle it

Every year around this time, I feel it. The weight. The ache. The quiet grief that hits when Thanksgiving and Christmas roll around and things don’t look the way they used to.

These holidays are emotional landmines after divorce. They stir up all the memories of what was—the years of being with your nuclear family, the familiar rituals, the sense of togetherness that once anchored you. Even twelve years on, it still gets me. Not every moment, but enough to make me pause.

I used to fall apart every Christmas. I’d be shopping for presents and suddenly find myself crying in the middle of a department store. I’d imagine the kids little again, hanging decorations on the tree, and I’d ache with longing.

I’d beat myself up with thoughts like, Why couldn’t I have done more to save it? Why did it have to end this way? The negative self-talk was brutal. The grief felt excruciating.

It doesn’t hit like that anymore. These days it’s more of a dull ache—a sense of time passing and the quiet sadness that comes with that. But it took years to get there.

And the hardest part? Most people don’t get it. Friends are busy with their own families. Everyone’s rushing around. And that can leave you feeling even more alone with the weight of it all.

Maybe your kids are with your ex this year. Maybe they’re grown and not coming home. Maybe you’re still trying to piece something together that feels halfway decent.

It’s normal to grieve. It’s normal to think of the what-ifs. It’s normal to feel like you're barely holding it together. Especially because this season often demands so much of us.

If you're navigating the holidays post-divorce, here are five ways to steady yourself:

• Name it. Say to yourself, “This is the holidays. Of course I’m feeling this way. This time of year is loaded.” Naming it can be grounding. It softens the sting.

• Lower the bar. You don’t have to make it magical. You don’t have to pretend you’re fine. Let it be enough to just get through the weeks of preparation.

• Let the sadness in. Don’t push it away. You’re allowed to feel gutted by what’s been lost. You’re allowed to miss the old days. And still hold space for something new.

• Start something small. A solo ritual. A dish you love. A quiet morning walk. You don’t need big, shiny traditions—just something that anchors you.

• Reach out. Even if it’s just one person who gets it. You’re not meant to carry all of this alone.

It will get easier. You’ll get better at managing it. But the truth is, this season may always stir something in you—and that’s okay. Knowing that ahead of time helps. It doesn’t mean you’re stuck. It means you’re human.

Be gentle with yourself. You're doing better than you think.

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