How To Stay Calm When Your Ex Seems Out To Get You

A very special welcome to all of my new subscribers. It’s great to have you in the Thriving Solo community ❤️

Hello everyone,

This week’s newsletter is in a slightly different format. If you’re following me on social media, you’ll know that I’m realizing a six-year-long dream to visit the USA and do two very important things.

Firstly, to meet John Kim. Hands down, one of the most influential people I started following when I was a year into my separation in 2016.

John Kim is a leading relationship author and coach and the founder of Lumia Coaching. To meet him at the Lumia retreat this weekend and finally be able to thank him in person and tell him what his work meant to me over the last nine years was incredibly awe-inspiring. This photo is my dream manifesting in front of my very eyes.

Secondly, to visit Yosemite National Park and see El Capitan in real life. ‘El Cap’ is one of the largest rock faces on the planet, and I was drawn to it after watching a movie called ‘Free Solo’ in 2018.

Alex Honnold is the only person in the world to have climbed El Capitan without ropes or harnesses! It seems unbelievable, you can’t watch this movie without experiencing sweaty palms the entire way through.

Watching him turn the unimaginable into reality has been one of the catalysts for me to start chasing the dreams I always thought were not possible for me because of the stories I would tell myself.

To say it’s been an incredible trip so far is an understatement. I still have one week to go in this beautiful country and I’m looking forward to every second.

The best part about what I do as an online divorce coach is I can still stay in contact with my clients when I’m travelling.

I wanted to share something that has come up for one of my clients this week as I can resonate a lot, and maybe some of you out there can, too.

At the moment, her ex is driving her crazy with manipulative and intentionally hurtful behaviours. It’s making it hard for her to stay calm with her kids because of the high-stress levels she’s under. This is completely understandable.

When your ex starts doing things that they know damn well are going to impact you and get a reaction out of you, there is only one thing that you can do to take that power back away from them.

The only thing we have control over in our lives is the way we react to things that happen around us.

It sounds so simple, and yet, for nearly every human on the planet, it’s one of the most challenging things that we can do.

When cortisol and adrenaline are racing through our veins, our minds are scrambling, and all our old hurts and fears are being tapped on, we are at the mercy of our nervous system.

But there are some very simple ways to regulate ourselves when we are being triggered like this.

Firstly, stop and breathe! It sounds almost ridiculous, but often, when we are in fight or flight mode, we are shallow breathing. This makes it more difficult to get oxygen to the decision-making part of our brains and we begin to react emotionally.

Just by breathing and giving yourself that time to take 3-5 deep breaths, you are not only giving yourself oxygen, but you’re also giving your brain a chance to ask the question, “Is this how I want to react right now? No? Ok, so what can I do or say differently this time?”.

Secondly, think of a much bigger picture. Remember five years ago when someone did that thing that pissed you off and you thought you’d never get over it?

Didn’t think so.

This, too, will pass. The emotions that are going through you right now will pass, and you will be calm again. Life is a series of emotional ebbs and flows.

When you are dealing with a difficult ex, the chances are high that you will need to master these types of triggers and feelings. In the scheme of things, this is just another one of those times. Try to think more about the bigger picture and visualize a time when you and your ex no longer need to be in each other’s lives as much.

It may feel like it will never end, but trust me, it goes faster than you think. Just like the kids growing up.

Another useful tool when you are calm again is to make statements out loud to yourself about how you would like things to be. For example;

‘My ex used to really be able to trigger me and get me to react, but these days, I’m so much calmer, and I barely even notice now’.

Of course, it’s not true yet, but just saying it out loud each day helps your brain begin to believe that this is true. Then, the next time it happens, your subconscious memory has this message programmed into it.

Maybe some of this makes sense to you, maybe not. If these tips don’t resonate, how could you find some other ways that could be helpful for your particular way of dealing with stress?

Being able to stay calm is your greatest asset when you are dealing with an ex (or anyone) who is able to create emotional chaos inside you. Watch their sails deflate as you refuse to give their manipulations any of your attention or oxygen. It really is a superpower!

In case you missed it, here’s the link to my article featured in The Divorce Magazine, which goes into these strategies in even more depth.

I still use many of these strategies when I’m interacting with my ex or find myself in high-stress situations. It’s made a huge difference to my life and my levels of happiness and contentment.

The sun is shining in Boulder, Colorado, and I’m about to go for a hike in the Chautauqua Trails. Hiking helps me to feel grateful for every tiny thing that I have in my life, especially when I reflect back on my saddest days after divorce.

If you have any questions you would like me to answer or want to reach out, you can reply to me on this email or message me on social media. I’d love to hear from you!

Until next week,

Carol

ICYMI : Download your free divorce recovery workbook here.

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