Just Because You Initiated Your Divorce Doesn't Mean You Weren't Left

Initiating a divorce comes with its own kind of pain.

From the outside, it might seem like the person who did not want the marriage to end would suffer more. But the guilt that can show up for the one who made the decision is often deep and consuming.

It is a quiet, internal kind of grief. One that brings self-doubt, shame, and sometimes a heavy sense of failure.

Just to be clear, I am not talking about relationships where there was abuse, cruelty, or manipulation. That is a different situation entirely.

I am talking about two people who began with love. Who built a life together. Who started a family with the best of intentions. And then, over time, found themselves growing apart.

In my coaching practice, I’ve seen the pain that exists on both sides of a divorce—those who made the choice to leave, and those who had the choice made for them.

I was the one who initiated the end of my marriage when I had two young children.
And even though I knew deep down that our relationship could not be saved, making that decision filled me with debilitating confusion and grief.

I questioned myself for years.

How could I not?
I had three other people whose lives were impacted by what felt like something that had only been my choice to make.

But here’s something it took me a long time to realise.
Sometimes, you’ve already been left long before the words are ever spoken.

Many marriages do not end in one dramatic moment. They dissolve slowly.
Through years of disconnection and the quiet withdrawal of affection.
Through distance that becomes normal, and conversations that stop happening. Through the problems that are never named.

In my case, I told myself it was just a phase.
I had a family to care for.
I thought I just needed to work harder, be more patient, try new tools and strategies.
I kept hoping things would get better.

Looking back, I can see that my marriage was over long before I admitted it.
My ex had emotionally checked out. Not cruelly or deliberately. Just in a human way.

He didn’t have the tools to work on it, and I didn’t have the strength to carry it all on my own.

Even though I was the one who said the words out loud, I had already been grieving the end of our connection for a long time.

I am not saying this to blame anyone.
He was doing the best he knew how to do at the time.
So was I.

But I share this because I know so many people carry unbearable guilt after ending a marriage.

And what I’ve come to understand is this.
Even if you are the one who walked away, it doesn’t always mean you were not also the one who was left.

Some of you might feel differently. Especially if you were blindsided by your partner’s decision to leave.
And if you are still in the early stages of grief, that shock is very real.

But over time, many people start to see that the signs were there.
Small things.
Changes in tone, habits, energy.
Things that were easier to ignore at the time.

This isn’t about finding fault.
It’s about recognising how complex relationships are.

Most divorces are not caused by one person or one event.
They are the result of years of misattunement, fear, silence, avoidance, or unmet needs.

After I left, the guilt stayed with me like a constant companion.
It followed me into everything.

Tucking my kids into bed would make me cry.
Trying to love someone new felt almost impossible.

It was as if I had disqualified myself from happiness because I had ended something I once promised would last.

Back then, I couldn’t see the truth.
That the marriage was already over long before I had the guts to finally say it.

It took a long time for me to let that truth in.

Working with a coach helped.
So did time, self-reflection, and slowly learning to tell the truth to myself.

I slowly came out of the denial that had protected me from things that were too raw to accept in the beginning.

Eventually, I could see that even though I had said the words out loud, it hadn’t been solely my decision.
It had been the natural end of something neither of us knew how to fix.

If you are holding onto guilt, whether you left or not, I want you to hear this.

You are allowed to grieve the good that was.
You are allowed to carry heartbreak and relief in the same heart.
You are allowed to move forward without having it all figured out.
And you are allowed to build something new.
Something grounded in who you are now.

And if the decision to separate wasn’t yours, especially if it felt sudden or unfair, I want to gently offer this. It might look like your ex has moved on easily. Like they are living their best life while you are left with the wreckage. But the truth is rarely that simple.

People often grieve in different ways and on different timelines. Sometimes the one who seems fine now is just carrying it differently, or will feel the full weight of it later. The ending may not have hit them properly yet.

The divorce path is not linear. It is layered and human and often painfully slow.

With time, honesty, and the inner work that healing asks of you, something begins to shift.

You start to zoom out. To see the relationship, and yourself, with more perspective. You begin to understand that regardless of who initiated the divorce, it will affect both people deeply.

That truth might not land straight away. But in time, with compassion, it does. And when it does, it brings relief. It brings meaning. And it brings peace.

Until next time,

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