How To Know If Marriage Reconciliation Is Possible

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Was my marriage salvageable? 

Did I do enough? 

Could I have fought harder, loved better, or seen the warning signs sooner? 

In the quiet moments after my divorce, after the chaos settled, these questions played on repeat in my mind. 

Divorce doesn’t come with a manual for closure; the hardest part isn’t the separation itself—it’s the doubt that comes later. If you’ve ever wrestled with this question, you’re not alone.

Many of us find ourselves stuck in an agonizing limbo after divorce, wondering if we should try to make it work again—even when we’re not sure we really want to.

I know because I felt that way after my own divorce. Even though I knew deep down it was the right decision to separate, I was still tormented by doubt.

I was in a world of hurt watching my kids grapple with our separation, and I thought that getting back together was the silver bullet to take everyone’s pain and grief away.

In the deepest places of my mind and soul, I didn’t honestly believe that returning to the relationship would work. I was just in a very desperate place as the panic, grief, and loss began to creep in. 

If you’re standing at this crossroads, feeling the pull of the past and the uncertainty of the future, take a deep breath. Before you send yourself crazy trying to control the whole situation on your own, ask yourself these key, clarifying questions.

• Has your ex explicitly told you they want to reconcile?
  If they haven’t said it clearly and directly, you might be wrongly assuming they feel the same way you do.

• Have they said your marriage is their top priority and they’re willing to do whatever it takes to make it work?
  A half-hearted “maybe” or “let’s see” isn’t enough. Rebuilding a marriage takes one hundred per cent commitment and sheer grit.

• Have they suggested marriage counselling?
  Wanting to work things out is one thing—being willing to do the work is another.

• Are they actively searching for a therapist or counsellor?
  Saying they’ll go to therapy is easy. Taking action to find the right help shows real effort.

• Do they have a clear game plan for how things will be different this time?
  Have they communicated to you what they believe needs to change, or are they just hoping things will magically fix themselves?

• Have they taken accountability for their part in what went wrong?
  Without genuine reflection and accountability, you’ll likely end up in the same cycle.

• Are they making changes now, or just promising they will later?
  Real change happens before reconciliation, not after. Have they already started showing up differently?

• Are they currently dating someone else?

  It might sound like a no-brainer, but this is the one that tripped me up the worst.

I wish I had asked myself these questions before trying to reconcile, but I didn’t have the knowledge that I have now—and it cost me. Here’s what happened when I failed to put them to the test in my own life.

My reconciliation attempt.

I was the one who initiated my divorce. I fooled myself into thinking I was solely to blame and that if I could fix myself, I could go back and make it all better. I lived up in my head and wasn’t noticing what my ex was doing or how much effort he was putting into our marriage.

Initially, we decided to have a trial separation to give ourselves space from each other without having to commit to a divorce. We also wanted to give our kids the stability of staying in the family home and not having to move house. 

We rented a fully furnished apartment on a six-month lease and set up a joint custody schedule.

Every three days, I packed my toothbrush and some clothes and went to stay in the apartment to catch my breath and try to find footing on ground that was shaking every single day.

This situation had pros and cons. Getting immediate space without making life-altering decisions was helpful, but it came with many unknowns and painful experiences. 

Going in blind.

During our trial separation, we both explored dating. We never discussed if we would do this beforehand or any ground rules around seeing other people.

We were all over the place emotionally because we didn’t give due consideration to how we would manage some of the most emotionally challenging parts of the arrangement. This was a mistake.

As the six-month period ended, we realised that we had to make a decision. Will we try to make it work again, or call it quits for good?

I tormented myself with what-ifs. I was terrified of going back, but I wanted so badly to keep the family together for the kids’ sake. On top of this, I suspected that, deep down, neither of our hearts was in it. 

Eventually, we decided to give up the lease and try living together again with the help of a marriage therapist.

It felt false and half-hearted as if we were still avoiding the truth. My ex said he didn’t like our therapist because he felt like he was being blamed for things he didn’t feel he was responsible for. 

I felt he was closed off and still unable to understand what I believed was wrong with our connection.  It felt like nothing had changed. 

I was also part of the problem. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go back to the relationship, but I felt like I should because of the kids and the fear of being divorced.

Under these circumstances, reconciliation doesn’t stand a chance.

We lasted two months before I made the call to find my own apartment and start the legal separation process.

Three weeks later, I found out he was seeing someone new. You can join the dots there. 

The reality is that unless two people are one hundred per cent committed to working on their own attachment styles, fears, and insecurities and then busting their asses to understand their partner’s, the chances are slim that reconciliation is going to work, or is even the best idea.

It’s not just about your ex.

If you are being plagued with thoughts of trying again, it’s not just your ex that you need to take notice of. You have to be clear on why you want to reconcile as well. You need to get to the deepest layers of your motivation, as it’s often buried under the surface. 

Some key questions to ask yourself:

• Why do you really want to reconcile?

  Be brutally honest with yourself. Is this just a quick fix? Are you truly invested? Is this something you honestly want, or is it just guilt, fear, and a feeling of ‘life would be so much easier if we just weren’t divorced’? 

• Which version of your ex are you imagining?

  The person you first fell for—before years of emotional baggage, hurt, and conflict piled up?

  The current version of your ex, who seems easier to get along with now that you’re apart?

  An ex who finally understands all of the ways that relationship wasn’t working and is now one hundred per cent committed to making it work?

  Get grounded in the reality of who your ex is today.

• Do you trust them?

  If trust was broken, is it something that you will be able to overcome? Does your ex acknowledge the damage that was done, and are they committed to getting help for themselves?

• Are you prepared to do the work, even if it’s extremely hard and uncomfortable?

  Rebuilding a relationship isn’t easy. Are you willing to show up differently and do intensive work to change your past ways of relating, or are you expecting your ex to be the only one who makes behavioural changes?

Getting real with yourself will help you to be sure about where you true motivation is coming from.

Accept that the marriage as you know it, is over.

Reconciliation does not mean going ‘back’ to the marriage as such. It’s creating an entirely new relationship with someone, but it’s complicated by the fact that now you have the added insecurity that the relationship ended once. 

Does this mean reconciliation is futile? No, not at all. 

Many couples have reconciled and been able to rebuild a marriage from the ashes of separation.

However, the bottom line is that it takes two committed and invested people and it takes a lot of emotionally challenging work for both of you.

You need to answer the above questions honestly and feel confident that you and your ex are reconciling for the right reasons—otherwise, the risk may not be worth taking.

Be easy on yourself.

It’s a normal part of the divorce process for both people to wonder if it could have worked out if we’d only had the benefit of hindsight.

There’s nothing wrong with thinking about it as you recover, but when you are being held back from moving forward and being able to rebuild your new life, it needs to be addressed and put to rest once and for all.

Use the above guidelines to help you discern clearly whether reconciliation will be the right path for you and your family.

If all signs point to ‘no,’ then it’s time to step fully into your future. Trust yourself, make peace with the past, and know that moving forward isn’t just an option—it’s a choice you can make with confidence and optimism.

Until next time,

Carol

Work with me in 2025. If you want to:

• ✅ Get on better with your ex

• ✅ Feel like you are being a great co-parent to your kids

• ✅ Stop feeling overwhelmed and anxious

• ✅ Feel excited instead of terrified about your post-divorce future

My six-session coaching package is $599 USD or 3 payments of $199 USD. I have three spots left on my calendar this month. Book your free strategy session here.

If you know someone who could benefit from reading this, please consider sharing it with them ❤️

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