If You Haven't Got Your S**t Together, Join The Club!

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It’s been a crazy couple of weeks on my end as I settle into my new position as a teacher and coach to a new bunch of kids in a new school.

My students this year are twelve and thirteen-year-olds, there are a lot of challenges to get my head around with kids in this age group.

I knew going into this year that it was going to be pretty hectic, and now I’m in the thick of the first semester; I am seeing and feeling what that actually looks like.

My emails may be slightly less frequent as I adjust to this settling period, but rest assured, I’m still here.  I am still coaching clients, but my writing schedule has had to be juggled slightly while I settle into my new workload. 

So, this week, I wanted to send an email about something I learned a while back but still forget every now and then. 

The moment we can let go of perfectionism is the moment that we feel a huge weight lifted off our shoulders.

I experienced this today.

Every second week, I get coached by one of my peers.  She helps me put my head back together when it’s split in two. (As a full-time teacher and single parent building a coaching business, it’s split in two pretty often!)

Today, I told her:

“I’m falling behind.  I have so much on my plate at work that I just don’t have the energy to write as much. This makes me feel lazy and disorganised, and I hate feeling like this”. 

She asked me why I felt like I couldn’t fall behind on my email schedule. I told her it’s because I strive for consistency. I wanted to be ‘that’ person. The one who could do it all.

It was pissing me off that I had to concede defeat for now.

At the end of the session, I realised I was falling prey to some of the behaviours that I support other people to overcome.

It was a relief to recognize it. 

It got me thinking about my divorce, too. And how much I strove for perfectionism when I was facing the first years of co-parenting.

When anything went wrong, I’d plummet straight into self-blame and guilt, selecting the biggest metaphorical hammers I could find to smash myself with.

How many of us feel the same way? Even if the marriage is over, we try to ‘do’ divorce perfectly.

It’s simply not possible to be perfect.  And it’s ok to let go when we feel so stretched thin that life just isn’t feeling enjoyable anymore.

The purpose of life is not to grind away in misery to the point of burnout. It’s to discover ways to clear our mental clutter so we can enjoy this life to the best of our ability while we have our time here.  

Are you trying to be perfect, too? Are you getting pissed off and frustrated at yourself when you hit a post-divorce dip? 

Do any of these sound familiar?

• Why haven’t I met a new partner?  

• My kids are acting out, what’s going on?

• I have no social life. 

• I’ve barely saved any money this year. 

• I’m in a job I hate.

• He/she has met someone new, and I’m still alone. 

• Why aren’t things working out for me?

• I haven’t exercised in weeks. 

• I should be more healed than I am.

• Why can’t I get my shit together?

Trust me, after ten years of post-divorce life, I’ve been through them all and out the other side.

👉 I found love again, but it didn’t last.  Now, I love being single and having complete freedom. 

👉 I had a job I hated, and I found the courage to leave and find something much better. 

👉 I have been through dips with my exercise, but I always come out of them and find motivation again. (My latest obsession is hot yoga).

👉 My kids and I have a great relationship and get on well, even through these trying teen years.

My point is that everything passes. We don’t have to have life all worked out and running perfectly after divorce. Even when we get to a place when we think it is, life will always throw us another curveball.

It’s usually when we are bombarding ourselves with thoughts like the ones above that we feel at our lowest. We need to go easy on ourselves and acknowledge the impact of what we’ve been through.

I still have periods when I expect too much of myself, and these last few weeks have been one of them. 

But after a session with my coach, I am now feeling ok about giving myself a break and cutting myself some slack.

It’s my weekend with my kids, and I’ve spent lots of time with them. Aside from coaching two clients and being coached myself, I haven’t looked at anything to do with work, and I feel okay about it.

Even sharing this with you all is part of letting go of perfectionism and admitting that I haven’t always got my shit together, not by a long shot. 

I hope my email this week is a reminder to any of you who are feeling frustrated that healing and recovery seem to be going slower than you want them to. 

Divorce recovery is not a race. 

Sometimes you’re ahead, and sometimes you’re behind. But as long as you are always putting one foot in front of the other, you have momentum. 

And nothing is more important than momentum. 

So from one perfectly imperfect divorced person to another, remember…..

You are moving forward, and you have absolutely got this!

Until next week (or so)

Carol

If you need someone to talk to about your post-divorce struggles, book a free 1:1 call with me here.

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