Great Co-Parenting Doesn't Just Happen

My marriage is ending, but I don’t want to lose my family.

Can you relate?

These are the words I said to my best friend as I was in the unbelievably raw period straight after my separation.

Divorce blindsides us.

Not necessarily the lead-up to the divorce; often, one person knew it was coming for a long time. In fact, sometimes both of you knew it was coming for a long time, even if you managed to bury it down for years.

It’s the overwhelming feelings of loss, grief, panic, confusion and anger that take us out after we’ve decided to separate and have to start our new lives as co-parents.

When you’re feeling like this, you may not have a clue about where you want it all to go or how you want your family to look.

However, co-parenting is not something we should leave to chance. You only get one shot to set the foundations for how you want it to be in the coming years.

Most couples who are dealing with resentment and pain are not able to see past this and look ahead to what they want it to be like two, five, or ten years down the track.

How about twenty years down the track when your kids could be having their own kids?

The Big Picture

A vision is not a concrete plan. It’s a big-picture roadmap that allows you and your ex-spouse to create a new family unit out of the ashes of separation.

Conflict after divorce comes from miscommunication. And most miscommunication comes from two people not being crystal clear on the outcomes they want.

Imagine if you and your ex-spouse were 100 per cent sure of what you wanted your co-parenting relationship to look like.

Imagine having someone talk you through what great co-parenting could look and feel like for you and your kids, and give you the support you needed to make it happen.

The problem many face is that they feel their ex is not on board with how they want things to go.

When these breakdowns in communication happen, how do you make sure it’s just a bump in the road and not the beginning of an irreparable rift?

By going back to your co-parenting vision. It helps you to zoom out and look at co-parenting as the long game it is.

I’m now at the ten-year mark of divorce and when I look back, I can see all the different strategies that are necessary to maintaining a calm and settled co-parenting relationship over many years.

I can see how both my ex-husband and I have changed so much since the first months of our divorce. Our co-parenting had to evolve as we hit a lot of bumps in the road.

But to do this, we had to step outside of our pain and deep hurt and focus on the kids and our new family unit.

It was the biggest test of our lives, but it was worth it.

The Hidden Cost

What price will you pay in years to come if you don’t create a vision for your family now?

Your family unit can stay intact. Your kids can have two parents who get along even after their marriage is ending.

But it doesn’t just happen. It requires intention, knowledge, commitment and follow-through.

You may be getting advice from professionals about the legalities of your divorce, but your lawyer or financial advisor can’t help you or your kids with the anxiety of adjusting to post-divorce life.

I’ve created a ten-question guide that allows you to quickly and easily create your co-parenting vision. In the guide you’ll set goals around events that may not have occurred to you, such as:

• How you’ll handle your ex dating again

• What to do if your kids experience anxiety

• How you’ll celebrate special events and milestones in your family like birthdays or sports games etc.

• How much contact you want to keep with your ex’s side of the family

• Knowing if and when you are going to continue to have time together as a family unit

Having a roadmap for these things beforehand is essential to keeping things smooth and ensuring that your kids always know what’s coming next.

Uncertainty and conflict in divorce is what makes it stressful and upsetting for children. The more you can think ahead and prepare yourself for the inevitable curveballs, the more support you can give them.

Today, I have a great relationship with my ex-husband, and my two teens are happy and thriving. I’ve seen firsthand how having a vision makes a huge difference for the future of a family going through divorce.

I want the same for anyone else who is going through it.

Click the button below to download your free copy of the workbook. If you'd like to discuss working together on your vision, book a free strategy session with me here.

Until next time,

Carol

If you are looking for support through your divorce journey, book a free strategy session with me here.

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