Do You Need To Hear This Today?

Christmas is nearly here.

Normally, it’s a time of chaos and hectic preparation, but generally, it's a fun time for catching up with family and friends and taking some much-needed time off our busy schedules.

But after divorce, Christmas holidays feel very different.

Personally, I found the lead-up to Christmas incredibly difficult in the first few years after my divorce. It brought up all the memories of years past when the kids were small, and we were still happily married.

My ex-husband and I spent fourteen Christmas days together. Seven of them as parents. Those powerful and ingrained memories don’t just go away with two signatures on a piece of paper.

New Coparents

I have a few clients at the moment who are dealing with their first-ever Christmases as co-parents.

It’s not easy. The emotional triggers come out of nowhere. You feel down; you feel some of those wounds open up again.

The guilt and regret sneaks up on us.

Our kids don’t get their parents together at Christmas any more; family traditions are changing, and it’s hard to watch our kids try to get their heads around that fact.

In some cases, you might notice a change in their behaviour; either they act out a bit more or withdraw a little. This can make us worry about how they are really coping deep down.

Sometimes, children and teens aren’t sure how to articulate their feelings, or they may not feel like they can bring it up in case it causes us to react in a way they’re not comfortable to deal with.

Hopefully, you are amicable enough with your coparent that the kids can see you together in some way, even if it’s just for a short time.

I know that can’t always be the case, and if your relationship is too strained for that, I hope you have some good strategies for managing how you feel about a completely separate Christmas day.

(If you don’t, check out my Instagram page, where I share tips for coping with Christmas triggers).

My Quest For Normality

My ex-husband and I have spent every Christmas morning together since our separation. Even when he got a new partner, I still went around for Christmas morning to exchange gifts like we’d done when the kids were small.

Did I want to do this? Not particularly, but I wanted things to be as normal as possible for our kids. I didn’t want them to miss out on their Christmas morning with Mum and Dad because we couldn’t make it as a couple.

When I look back, I know that I did make a lot of sacrifices for my kids in that way. Although we weren’t able to stay married, I was determined to keep as many family traditions alive for them as I could.

This Christmas marks the eleventh year since our divorce. My ex will be coming over for Christmas brunch and gift opening, and then he’ll take the kids (now teenagers) to his house to celebrate with his side of the family and his new partner.

Luckily, his new partner is also divorced and understands the dynamic. There is no need to feel threatened or jealous; we’ve been doing this for so long. It would be strange to do it any other way.

My ex is on his third partner since our divorce.

His first partner was quite jealous, and he had to do a lot of reassuring and placating about where I sat in his life. This made the first few Christmases a drama.

His second partner never wanted to meet me. She lived in another city and had a child, so she wasn’t around over Christmas (much easier!).

And now the latest one. She’s pretty relaxed and open to us spending time together as a family, so I’m grateful for that. I’m getting far too old for drama!

The Joy of Space

I am not in a relationship at the moment, and I’m pretty happy to keep it this way.

Christmas highlights this for me because I love spending time with my kids and recharge, rather than running around trying to get everything right within a blended family.

I tried to do that in my last relationship. It can be quite a balancing act, and I’m happy to be selfish for the first time in my life.

Being on my own allows one hundred per cent of my time to focus on myself and my kids and enjoy our time together.

I think that’s what’s making Christmas feel a little less sad for me this year (finally!).

If you are doing the balancing act of celebrating Christmas with a blended family, I hope that it’s all going smoothly without any friction or that ‘frazzled’ feeling trying to keep everyone happy.

And if you are going into your first year or so as a co-parent, I hope that you are managing the tsunami of emotions that can sweep over you when past memories emerge.

If you’re struggling, here’s some advice that I would have wanted to hear when I first got divorced;

 🎄 Family traditions can evolve - My kids and I have started new yearly traditions on our own that we love just as much as the ones we had when their father and I were married.

🎄 The sadness passes - It may take a few years, but eventually, everyone gets used to the new normal and starts to enjoy Christmas again.

🎄 Enjoy your downtime - Don’t feel bad about enjoying the quiet time when your kids are with their co-parent. Single parenting isn’t easy and you deserve a bit of time to yourself to recharge. It helps you be a better parent when the kids come home again.

🎄 You can never be replaced - If your kids are spending time with your ex’s new partner, don’t worry that your place in their lives is being usurped. You are their Mom or Dad, and nothing and nobody can ever take your place. (no matter how many gifts are given!)

🎄 You’re here! - It can help to find gratitude in the fact that you are here celebrating Christmas. Some people have lost loved ones that they no longer get to celebrate with. This one always helped me to get a bigger perspective when I felt the loss of our original family unit.

🎄 Change is inevitable - Whether your marriage makes it for a few years or fifty years, it was never going to look exactly as it did when you first got married and when the kids were little. Keep a philosophical approach to the way you view the way your life looks now.

As I sit here and write this to you, I marvel at how much it helps me to feel better, even after all these years. This is the best part of writing these emails every month. They help me to continue on my healing and recovery journey and find joy in the life that I live today.

We will all have very unique Christmases, but one thing is certain: we are all in it together. And every single one of us reading this newsletter can relate to the struggles we face after divorce.

I want to wish you the most joyful Christmas you can manage under your particular circumstances, and remember that I’m here any time if you have a question or comment about anything you’re going through. I love to hear from the people in my community.

Until 2025.

Carol 💜

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